Kylyssa's Unusual Experience

Recently I came across very good articles about being homeless by Kylyssa. I don't remember how I came across these articles but it raises an interesting insight about myself.

Ever since I was a child I am always afraid of something. I don't know what I'm afraid of but I am always ready for war. I don't even want to pretend to know what I'm thinking.

I often catch myself interested to learn about things like how to survive in the wild, how to neutralize water, what to pack during emergency, how to fight, how to swim and recently how to survive being homeless and how to make beef jerky. Of course, I've never learnt all these things because it isn't useful to me at moment but still... Why do I think like this? Why am I so interested in learning about survival? Is there something wrong with me?

Can you understand this feeling? The feeling that you might be alone any moment or any kind of comfort or luxury will be taken without notice? I don't understand why I feel like this.

I know I live in a developing country, if the big country like US to suddenly declare war on us us... we might not be able to fight back. And then, it's the fact that our land is small.. If any kind of natural disaster like meteor or something happen, our land might be drowned. But, Malaysia is a peaceful country and if meteor whatever happen, life ends. That's it!

I was just a kid! Not more than 9 when I started packing for disaster, if I'm not mistaken. Why do I have this feeling? Did I watch to much cartoon and anime during that time? *racking up my memory* .... Nope, that was on later years.

I think part of it is because I don't trust my luck. Come on, loved the most by parents since baby, clever (not boasting, it's just that I think I'm stupid but I often get quite good results in class), pretty (again, not being vain, it's just that people rarely thinks I'm ugly), babied by parents and aunts even though you're useless? Get real, only rich kids can live like this forever. Their parents fortune can last them for probably multiple lifetime!

Or is it because I hate civilization? I don't hate hate it, if that makes sense. I love luxury and comfort just like everybody else. But.. there's part of me that wonder what would it be like if there's no technology? Would I be as lazy and piggish? Would I be able to lay in the sun and do manual labor like I wish could? Would I be more active and useful? It's annoying that I keep dreaming of impossible, senseless or useless thing... What's wrong with me?

It's entirely a different matter if a jobless adult feel like this. After all you're expected to make a living of yourself, take care of yourself, pay for the bills, get a home, and not leeching from your parents anymore. So when you couldn't or didn't, you can't help but feel helpless or expecting your parents or friends to kick your butt and leave you. You are at risk of having to fend yourself in the wild and being homeless.

But for a kid to feel like this? A kid who live in a peaceful country, with great family and friend, good school result and no money problem? It's not normal.