An Unexpected Opportunity

I want to write better articles. MamaMurai suggested using 5W and 1H formula. So here goes nothing. I hope it is better and more coherent than my usual rambling.

5W 1H:

1. What just happened? Oh, I got a job offer.
2. When did you get it? 4 November (yesterday).
3. Where did you get it? My house.
4. How did you get it? They send it by mail post.
5. Who got excited the most? My friend and family.
6. Why are you not excited? Maybe I already get used to my current lifestyle. But honestly I want to try but  I'm not sure if I'm qualified.

For some strange reason, yesterday's morning felt so ominous I was almost expecting a bad news. However, what actually happen is I got a job offer to work in the public sector as an Assistant to the Information Technology Officer(s). It was unexpected because I totally forgot all about it after they told me they have put my name in the Reserved List instead of hiring me a few months ago.

Everyone was so happy though when I got that letter. They were very excited as they tore off and read all the letters before I can even touch it :D I wonder who exactly get that letter, me or them?

They said I wasn't normal for not being excited at all. My family reminded me to thank Allah for getting the offer when they saw my blank face. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for giving me this opportunity. I know I doesn't look very grateful but I didn't know what to feel about this offer.

My first thoughts were:

• "Wow, I got through even though I didn't want to..."
• "Thanks Allah for giving me this opportunity regardless of what I'm feeling right now."
• "Ah, it came at bad timing as I want to concentrate on my business right now."

In fact, I was very much contemplating of refusing the offer.

My friends have told me that it's a very competitive position. My family said it's very difficult to get hired for that kind of position in public sector, I am very lucky to get chosen so I should be thankful. They all urge me to take it even if I don't like it because it can ensure a good future; easy to get loan, good income source, a lot of holiday, very unlikely to be fired at all even if I suck at it and lots of other benefits.

Hearing that makes it very easy for me to want to take it because I won't be a burden to my mom anymore and there are a lot of things she can do with the benefits too. But then I wonder if I am the right person for this job. I haven't touch programming for a long time or follow current development with the IT world like I used to. During the interview, I told them that I like programming and my strength is that my friends always ask me for latest news in IT. I wonder if they keep that in notes.

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Deskripsi Tugas:

Bertanggungjawab membangun program baru untuk sesuatu sistem gunaan komputer, memperkembangkan sistem komputer yang sedia ada bagi memenuhi keperluan semasa, penyelenggaraan sistem dan memberikan latihan serta bantuan teknikal kepada pihak pengguna.

- www.spa.gov.my

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Translation...

Job Description:


Responsible for developing new programs to use on a computer system, expanding the existing computer systems to meet current needs, system maintenance and provide training and technical assistance to consumer.

I love the programming part but I suck at it. I know I'm the official layout maker in my Neopets Guild (it's like a group on Facebook but more fancy, very active, no hypes and spams, and very relaxing) and I made a nice Indonesian FAQ (Frequently Asked Question) website for my VeMMA team recently but that's it.

I haven't touch any kind of programming except HTML and CSS for those tasks I mentioned above. And even those are only at basic level. I'm not very creative. How about graphic designing with Adobe Photoshop? Nope, I use the mediocre MS Paint for my layout. I haven't touch that software for ages.

I didn't use it because I feel guilty using a cracked paid software without actually paying for it as that is the same as stealing, no? I ignore that feeling when I was using it as a student. But as soon I completed my course, I stopped using it altogether except for occasional tutoring my sister and my friends. I should have replaced it with Paint.NET, a free but just as powerful and practice with it but... I guess I just prefer MS Paint.

So it's good to know that there is a special group exists just to train us online because the thoughts of failing to do my job really scare me. But the prospect of programming an application again and learning new things makes me feel quite giddy. I really want to reach out to try and practice and be the best programmer or web designer they ever had. Okay, I feel pumped up now :) That's good.

My only hope is by taking this job, I will not only secure my and my family's future but also help me to grow as a person and be able to help others a lot. Meaning, I want to be important. I want to be someone people look up to. And nothing prove it best than helping others to achieve the same result I get and exceeding others expectation. That sounds kinda selfish but strangely not a bad thought at all. It's honest.

Right now, I'm focusing on my personal growth. I have fear or insecurity of being an inconvenience and undeserving of others that I need to get rid of. Though my friends think I have skill and a quick learner, experiences has showed me that I learnt better from a teacher or mentor that can show and guide me step by step.

I've read quite a lot of articles on being a great employee and they keep mentioning about being self-sufficient, self-starter, keeping your skill sharp and being able to exceed expectation. That's quite a lot of requirement to be a good employee and person actually.

I've been told a lot of time that even though I'm spoiled and very dependent on my mom and others right now, I can be independent if I want to. I have been thinking the same thing but sometimes I wonder if I am just deluding myself.

To prove how spoiled and clingy I am, my family is going to leave with me to Putrajaya, where the job is. It is far from my current home which is in Pulau Pinang. I told you about how excited they were about the offer, right? Well, there is actually another reason for their excitement which is they were bored outta their mind and so they would except any kind of adventure that can help them get out of that rut. I don't mind. In fact I welcome it as I was scared to go alone (they didn't know that though).

Self-starter? *Checking the online dictionary* Hm, I don't have any unusual drive or particularly passionate about something. But I am quite an obsessive planner and writer. Whenever I am bored, I can't help but start thinking or planning and then jot the idea down in my small notebook (which I bring EVERYWHERE) or cellphone. It's more like a disease so I don't think that count as having an unusual drive. Then, how about ambitious? Maybe, I do have big dreams after all and haven't giving up yet.

I have a big expectation from myself so I am always disappointed when I couldn't do something as well as other people. But I have no idea why other people also have high expectation of me, it's not like I've shown them anything promising except good grades. So anyway, I'm sad to say that I've probably disappointed a lot of people including my past employers.

My last employer didn't say it but I feel like I have been an inconvenient to him somehow. Most of the time I feel like I don't deserve my paycheck. I know I tried my best but I just wasn't getting it. I don't even know if I am actually doing what I am supposed to do or not. So when the chance came up, I raised my hand and used it as excuse to quit my job. I just gave up.

It doesn't feel humiliating like it should but I taste freedom instead.

Because, if there is one thing that can make me depressed like no others is when I feel totally inadequate. When I feel inadequate, I get helpless and start torturing myself by feeling nervous, self-conscious and thinking too much. Then my self-esteem starts crashing down, I start looking down on myself, feel totally undeserving of what I get, and end up totally depressed. It's stupid.

So I started trying to improve myself and try to be positive instead of putting myself down into depression. So far, I am not feeling the pressure yet which is probably because I'm doing my own business at home without other's influence and negative vibes. I really hope it won't happen again when I take this job.

All I have to do is try, right?