You feel like a failure? Guess what - Me too!

I love this thread:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/character-contribution/15640-i-feel-like-failure.html

It's a wonder that her life story is so similar to mine and a lot of people; top students, depressed, drop out, feel like a failure, don't know what to do and where we are going.

I love how this article answer this question:
http://www.nvo.com/isleepless/feellikeafailure/

"PERSEVERE - Nothing in the world will take the place of perseverance. Talent will not - Nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not - Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not - The world is full of educated derelicts. PERSISTENCE AND DETERMINATION ALONE ARE OMNIPOTENT. Written by Calvin Coolidge."

And looking at our past experience, used to be top students, it's obviously true.

This article also reminds us to be gentle to ourselves because:

"If you knew someone in the same situation you're in, would you judge them to be a failure? We bet not!"

And strangely, it's true O_O I have recently made contact with my friend and we're in similar situation but I don't feel like she's a failure at all, she's still my friend and I hate it when she looked down on herself. But I also worried that if we are too gentle with ourselves, we would.. not be able to see the truth?

And yet, I think I can remember a friend who is indeed gentle and forgiving to herself, hey, make it two, eh.... Why do I feel like there are a lot? Maybe these are the people we know are content even though they are average and are non-judmental? Maybe that's why these people give us these calming feeling? It kinda wash away our worries..

I have to try this... First I have to accept myself.

Thread reply by Parthon (this link to his reply):
"The steps I took were to accept my current life style: A dropout loser on welfare, then I projected what that would be like in 20 years, a 45 year old drop out loser on welfare and accepted that too. When I fully understood and realised my situation as it currently was, it opened up an opportunity. The opportunity was to, right now in the moment, direct my life towards where I wanted it to be. I saw that strangly enough it's not the big life changing events that turn my life into what it is, it's the small unnoticible ones between the gaps, and it's the ones in the gaps at each moment that I could improve."

So, what is my current lifestyle?

A diploma level course graduate from polytechnic in Information Technology (IT) majoring in programming. Even though I was a top student, that was because of my ability to remember the facts at the last minutes (pull all-nighter study all the time), not exactly because of my 'extraordinary' skills.

I guess I'm pretty good in programming but I am bad at graphic and multimedia manipulation although my drawing skill is a little bit better than most. I guess I can say that my MS Paint skill is really good compared to most people I know. It's not hard when you spend most of your childhood drawing in MS Paint.

I guess what makes me a loser to me is because I am not married yet, or have a job (I am doing an online business but I have nothing to show yet so it's not comparable to a job right now and that is nothing to be proud of), or in university (I got the acceptance letter but I didn't go because I'm not sure if that's what I want to learn). All my previous classmates have fill in one or more of these conditions as to not qualify as a loser. So I feel like I am the only loser among my friends.

Other than that, I am currently living with my mother and she is still supporting me and my younger sister (actually she is more independent than me and able to bring in cash for her own use) with her pensioner wage. So I don't exactly need money right now and my mom don't mind as long I do what I do seriously but it feels bad having to rely on others especially your mother.

I am not as skilled in cooking like most of my female AND male friends. I am average in programming and computer skills. I am not good at housekeeping, to keep it tidy, organized and clean. My general knowledge and current issue awareness are horrible (they doen't interest me) so I don't have much thing to talk with people. I will be 22 years old this November and I don't have any serious achievement not even as a blogger (mainly because I don't socialize).

I accept that this is my current lifestyle right now.

In 20 years for now, IF my online business is unsuccessful, I might be force to either further my education or find a job. For a job, I would probably go for job below my qualification level as my programming skill and multimedia skill are not good. So maybe, shopkeeper, assistant, clerk, manual worker at the stores, cashier, jobs like that. I would be constantly tired because of stress (not because of the work) if I got bad boss. Or if I got good boss, I would be ashamed if I am not useful enough and can't meet his/her expectation.

I would not be able to help my mom much, financially. She doesn't expect much from me so that's okay. I would still probably be a single woman as I just can't imagine sharing a life with a man. I think leading a stressful life like this actually helps me to be more aware of what I have and make me appreciate it more. I would still enjoy the flow of life. And then I would grow old and enjoy my hobbies while spending the money I have collected during my youth and finally die, leaving no print and legacy on this world. Hmm.. is that a bad way to live?

No, it's not. It's an okay life, an annoying one because I would have to meet people all the time, nothing to be ashamed of, but nothing to be proud of either. I accept that.

On the other hand, IF my online business is successful, then... I can imagine not having to worry about money.. but somehow I can't imagine what my life would be like. I don't know what does being successful entails in this business. Would I be busy helping people offline? Would I be busy them online? Would I spend only 2 hours a day to maintain this business? Would I spend almost half of my day for it? I don't know what to expect yet.

If I'm not busy with my business, I could be busy spending my time browsing and investing properties (or is it called assets?). Or, I could be relaxing doing nothing. Or, pampering myself in spa and beautician center. Or, I could be spending my time learning how to cook and keep my house tidy, organized, fun and clean.

It's a better life since I won't be a burden to others AND I would have at least one thing to be proud of, my business. I accept that too.

So where do I want to go? :) Wow, I thought my future was bleak. This is a good exercise and revelation...